i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
