obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
