I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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