Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
