so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
