I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
