i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
