wanna go halves on a baby?
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
