I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
