I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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