Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
