it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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