The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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