I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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