bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
