just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
