My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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