I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
