I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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