Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
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Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
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this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
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