He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
