remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
