I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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