It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
