I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You know, be my cock's hype man.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
