Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
