If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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