Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
