What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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