She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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