I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
