she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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