is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
