I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
