You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
