Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My life is pants optional.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
