You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
