i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
