I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
