Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
