There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
