I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
