I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
