My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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