Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
