I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
lets start a swedish sibling band together
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
