so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
