Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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