How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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