I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
