I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
