Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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