Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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