I am spending my child support on dildos
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
