im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
