I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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