he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
